Pain and Loss...

I am not doing well. I hope you are doing better. 

I did finish the gumbo and hope to be able to post something better than this dribble soon.

Take care - me

The almost gumbo...

Every now and then I think that I should attempt to cook something. Something out of my norm and normally, out of my experience level. Yesterday, I thought I should attempt gumbo. Thanks to EB's recipes, I had several to choose from.

I chose this one, then headed to the nearest local grocery. Of course, this one called for a cast iron Dutch oven, which I did not have, but bought, in bright green no less. It also calls for file powder, as any self-respecting gumbo should. Of course, with my run of luck lately*, it should not come as a surprise that this grocery did not have any file powder. Luckily, I did marry the right guy, the guy who realized he is currently married to a woman on edge, the guy who responded to my desperate phone call by finding my file powder and therefore insuring that he would not need the bail money set aside for such an occasion.

After spending an extraordinary amount of money for something I'm not even sure will be edible, I headed to the house to start the cooking. I chopped, diced, seeded, roasted, stirred and waited. I had it timed down to the minute when Speedy would walk through the door. I was measuring out the water for the rice and fixin' to cut the homemade bread to spread the roasted garlic/butter on while the cookie dough rested on the counter. Every thing was going great. The house smelled like cajun roasted garlic.

Then, in the split of a pea, nothing. Total silence. Total loss of electricity. Total "you have GOT to be shitting me!" No worries, it will come back on in a minute, right?! No. It won't. In fact, it did not come back on until around 6:30 that evening. After we had eaten KFC. After the roasted garlic had cooled. After I had figured that the universe was totally not happy with me.

So, the gumbo will possibly happen Friday night. Hopefully. Very hopefully, so long as the universe doesn't decide to knock the power off again.

*Examples of my run of luck lately: Mother - died; Son - school called that he's running fever; Daughter - about to lose yet another tooth which will give her NO front teeth; wallet - left in the VW while I drove the Honda; much needed Wisconsin land deed of Mother's - none of the aunts has a copy, had to contact the office in Wisconsin and they won't send it without being paid their $2.00 fee and they don't accept credit cards (see wallet note)... and the list just keeps on going...

Take care - Me

Free

I'm Free

 

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me,

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

 

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.

I found that place at the close of the day.

 

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

 

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full. I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

 

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me.

God wanted me now. He set me free.

 

~Author unknown

I'm taking some time to gather my thoughts on all that has happened in the past month or so. Please be patient with me as my family and I try to live our lives without this amazing person being here. Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers being sent our way. They really do help and they are greatly appreciated.

Take care - Me

At Peace.

It is with tremendous sadness that I must report the death of KnitMom. She died just after 6:00PM this evening. She has endured the wrath of metastatic pancreatic cancer for almost a year. She had a tremendous will, and persevered until the Spring. She said from the beginning that Spring would be a nice time to die. I never thought for a moment that she would survive long enough to see it, and while the calendar may not reflect the season quite yet, the weather this week certainly does. The last few weeks, and especially the most recent few days, have been exceptionally difficult for her and her daughters to endure as her body slowly shut down. Mercifully, her physical agony is over. Now, a different suffering begins as our Knitter and her Sister learn to live with the gaping hole in their hearts left by the absence of their beloved mother. KnitMom was an amazing woman, and produced two unbelievably strong daughters. She ran a tire & auto repair business for the last several years, which is a bit unusual in the Deep South. And while not a Southerner by birth, she became a well-adapted Yankee. She was exceptionally kind, and I don't have a single memory of her that doesn't include her smile. There will be a memorial service in the next few days, followed by her cremation. Knitter & her family will take the ashes to be buried at KnitMom's chosen location in her beloved native state when Spring arrives in the upper mid-west. 

Knitter, her mom, and her sister - June, 2007

Eternal rest grant unto her O Lord,

And let perpetual Light shine upon her.

May her soul,

And the souls of all the faithful departed,

Through the mercy of God,

Rest in peace.

Amen.

A moment of levity...

Knitter requested that I post this picture for her entertainment. 

There is very little joy to be found today in KnitMom's hospital room. Still, our friend Knitter felt that the sight of Marcus in a pair of pants is such a rarity that it MUST be shared. 

So, here is your smile for the day:

What? You've never seen long pants before?

Praying for a peaceful transition...

Note: KnitForKnot has asked me to step in and help keep everyone in the loop these days. I will refer to her "Mother" as "KnitMom."

Fortunately, when KnitMom chose her oncologist, she chose wisely. When she decided that she would feel more comfortable abandoning hospice care at home to return to the hospital, it only required a phone call. Dr. Wonderful took care of everything except driving KnitMom to the hospital. And, he let our Knitter and her Sister know that any needs they, or KnitMom have will be met. (He did remind them that despite their previous suggestions, he is not able to have the hospital room repainted on such short notice.)

So, KnitMom is likely in her final room in this life. (As always, KnitMom and her girls have even found the bright spot there: the room number is the same as the time of day that Moosie was born and the same as a recent high test score Moosie made!)

By all reports, she is comfortable now. Knitter estimates that KnitMom is sleeping 95% of the time. KnitMom has almost stopped talking.

The time is almost upon us for KnitMom to end this portion of her journey and embark upon her next adventure. Let's all pray that her transition is peaceful.

tlm

Blah, blah, blah... No.324

I don't really feel like blogging. I don't really feel like talking at all. I would love to be in a corner chewing my hair and mumbling obscene comments, but life won't let me at this point.

Mother is home. We brought her home with hospice last Thursday. She's glad to be home and that's the only thing that counts in my opinion. Her happiness and comfort. My sister is staying there with her 24/7. My grandmother and one of my aunts is here also. God help us. And help us now, please. Enough said about that.

At last count, which was about 2 weeks ago, Mother's CA19-9 was 912,948. Yes, that's almost one MILLION. The doc says that if he were to check it again, it would be well over one million. MILLION. Yes, she's set a record. Yes, she's very pleased with this. :) I mean really, she might as well get something out of this horrible disease!

Honestly though, I don't really expect her to be with us much longer. She's sleeping more and more & she's really tired. Tired of fighting, of pain and of having this intruder in her body. She's at peace with the afterlife and is ready to face it head on. We are, as always, on God's time now.

On other news, the kids did great in the science fair! Moosie won 1st in division one (1st-3rd) grade in the category of microbiology with the title of Booger Challenge. Rokimus won 2nd in that division, category of engineering with the title Need for Speed. We will be going to MSU in late March for regional.

Here's where my perspective gets a bit whacked. I know that we, most likely, will have had Mother's service and will be burying her ashes after this science fair trip. We will not try to make the trip to Wisconsin to bury them before the science fair, as that would likely cause Mother to come back and haunt me. She is determined that those kids go to MSU and that I accompany them. My sister also will hopefully attend with us. We'll have the local service before the science fair, then bury the ashes sometime after that. 

Everything that is now mentioned as a tentative plan is automatically entered into my brain as being before or after Mother dies. This is not a happy state of mind to be in.

Take care - Me