Lists, Breathing and Shoving...

There's a list running through my head at any given moment, that is if there was a moment given to me. You see, I have a running dialog about things that were done, things needing to be done in the immediate future and things that I need to be planning for. This includes everything from changing the sheets, working on my current "paying" job and feeding the dogs to finishing a wall mural at a local church, working on a friend's painting, cutting strips out of the modal sheets LB ate holes through... and the list goes on and on and on. I also have lists that are for places that I visit, like Mobile/Fairhope & Memphis.

I need quiet, but when all devices are turned off, there's still that list running through my head. And where does taking care of me fall in the list? Dead ass last. That's where. Why? I don't know, but I'm working on putting me somewhere near the middle. Why the middle? Because occasionally, I'll work my list backwards.

A couple of months ago I was feeling like everyone was taking little pieces of me until there was nothing left in the reserves. I got sick, literally physically ill because there was nothing left in me to fight. Fortunately I have an acupuncturist. Yes, getting tiny needles stuck in places all over my body brings me peace & well being. For four and a half hours, someone else is taking care of me and all those list items just drift away. Her only goal is to get me better - physically, emotionally and spiritually. That's a tall order for someone to fill and she does it beautifully.

This time she had a biofeedback machine to help with the acupuncture. What an experience. She told me things that hit dead on. Jealousy? Yep - I'm working on that now in fact. I think it's just asinine that we have this cold, crappy weather and yet STILL NO SNOW! NO SNOW! NO SNOW! What the f*(*?! What have I done to deserve no snow while just a few hours away they're getting it out the wazoo? (Obviously, I'm not ready to let this jealousy thing go yet - but I'm working on it.)

She also told me that my reserves are "dangerously" low. Well, no shit sherlock. I've been giving out pieces of me left and right. It was her next question that stopped me: "What do you get out of that?" Huh. There's got to be a payback if it's something I just keep doing - and I do. Someone wants me to be on a committee for a church I don't even agree with theologically? SURE, No problem - I can do that. What's that - you're anniversary is actually next month, not 6 months from now, and you need a party at the church? And you need me to design the invitations, coordinate the decorating/cake/servers/etc? And take the photo for the newspaper write-ups? Sure, that's a breeze.

What do I get out of it? Maybe somewhere deep down, I feel the need to justify my life. That by being everything to everyone, I'll be OK with who I am. That my life will mean something. Because you know what? On most days I don't mean very much to me. I'm just a stay at home mom whose kids are in school. I'm a graphic designer for a company that every now and then needs my work, and every now and then pays me for it. I like taking photographs, but don't consider myself to be a very good one. I occasionally enjoy painting, but normally end up starting all over because what's on that canvas sucks in my eyes.

-- I actually wrote the above this morning. I've since been to Looney, MS and back. I've done some thinking & some breathing. Deep breathing. I have to stop and remind myself that we are created in the image of God. While I may joke that He must have had a rough day when He created me, really He didn't. He didn't screw me up, I did. My insecurities are just what I allow them to be. I can allow them to take over my being, or I can shove them down & get on with life. The good and the bad. I'm shoving & at this moment, I'm winning.