What a difference 2 years can make...

Here's a post from a couple of years ago. Hard to believe that I've been posting, even if sporadically, for that long.

http://knitforknot.blogspot.com/2007/04/only-5-mintues.html


Since then, Mother has died. I'm no longer as involved in the church and I don't have to make the blood this year. I think they're using ketchup. Both kids are still riding horses & racing. I now own the tire store with my sister. Mostly though, I feel more disconnected than I did then. Personally. I don't want to be at the church and while I've questioned the organized religion route for quite some time, I now feel it's even less important than I used to. God, or whatever you chose to call him/her, does not solely exist in the walls of a building.

Mainly, I am missing Mother. It was two years ago that I knew she didn't feel good. We had spoken about her putting off her colonoscopy and a doctor's visit due to her mother visiting and some things at the store going on. I remember telling her to quit putting it off. I can't help but wonder if I could've said something different. Offered to drive her to the doctor, offered to work the store, etc. I think hindsight is a curse and a blessing. I realize my sister has her own feelings about this time, but this time of year is truly sad for me. I just want to crawl in a hole, wrap myself in an afghan made by her, and not come out into the world. I want to go back in time a few years back from then and insist she come to my house for Easter. I want to hold her hand one more time, share a cup of coffee, see her make her potato soup, hear her voice in my ear as her arm goes around my shoulders.

What I want and what I get are not mine to choose.

Take care - Me