Where the good Lord split ya...

So, 2011, let's chat one last time. Let me just start by telling you that you seriously sucked! Big, fat, rotten, putrid, maggot-infested suckage. I normally go with flow, bounce back and smile about all the crap that's been dealt me. I say it's character building, faith strengthening and so on. Right now, I say fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Bone growths sent me to an arthritis specialist - X-rays and blood tests - no known reason for the growths, nothing to be done but wait until they're large enough to really bother me, then surgery to whack them off. Good news - no cancer, not rapidly growing, no real harm done.

Brown recluse spider bite - multiple doctor trips, 8 weeks of antibiotics, 3 months not being able to wear a shoe that touched the spot, a few weeks of painful walking, major swelling, poison in my lymph system, cellulitis, major ugly spot on foot still there and probably always will be. Good thing - no major surgery needed and I now have major sympathy for someone who says they got bit by a spider.

Daddy's cancer - He went in for heart testing and upper GI scope on July 25th. He died December 1st at hospice. I was Daddy's girl. He worried about me driving even if it was just sprinkling out. He worried about me being too stressed out. He worried about my migraines, bone growths and any time I sneezed. He and I had multiple conversations about my dog, Annabelle. I had taken her to him when the kids were born. He kept her. I asked for her back... multiple times. He said she was just fine where she was and there was no sense in moving her. Good news - I suppose I can say it's good that he's no longer suffering.

Female issues - Should have had surgery in August. I postponed, which turned out to be a good thing. Who knew if a large cyst on your ovary burst, that you wouldn't need to have it removed surgically? Finally had surgery a couple of weeks ago and had a mole removed at the same time. Surgery went fine, stitches out when they were supposed to come out for the mole site. Mole site opened up during my sleep, I refuse to get more. Good news - all path reports came back noncancerous.

ER - six hours, 3 days before Christmas. Not fun to feel and think you're having a heart attack. Scared the crap out of everyone that knew about it - all 4 of us, not the kids though. Some kind of swelling around my ribcage causing pain with deep breaths. Good news - not heart attack, not pneumonia, not blood clots. Appointment with internist in my near future.

Annabelle. The straw for me this year. 14 years ago, I lived in Memphis, alone. I heard about some Great Dane/Lab mix puppies that were being mistreated. I got the call about the owner being drunk and allowing folks to get the puppies. I hauled ass in the pouring rain and thunder and picked her up. She fit inside my jacket. I even took her into Walgreens to buy her puppy food and water dish that night and no one knew. I went through a very dark time around then and she rescued me. She kept me sane and taught me that I deserved love and that I could love. I often said that she was my first child. Her health has been declining lately and the Monday after Christmas, I made the decision to let her pass on. I held her in my arms, sobbing and telling her thank you over and over. Telling her I loved her and that she should give Ganny and Papa a kiss for me when she got to heaven. Her head was on my heart and I do believe that she left this world trying to comfort me. I will not be the same after losing her. Her death shut me down. I made it home driving through sobs and tears. I went to bed as soon as I walked in. My children and husband hugged me and tried to tell me it would be alright. I told them, not this time. I did nothing for two days but sit around and cry. Good news - I have none.

These are just the items that I can recall off the top of my head, they don't even include migraines, kids, and general life. So, 2011, bite my lily white ass. I am walking, talking, and sometimes smiling again. I have no desire to initiate conversations, be social or have an upbeat outlook. Yes, I know I'll make it through this. Yes, I know it'll be OK. For right now though, I don't want your encouraging, well-meaning jokes and platitudes about positivity. I don't have the thought that 2012 will be better. I thought 2010 was pretty shitty and had the whole, it'll get better attitude. Look where that got me.

So, 2011, see ya! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya on your way out!

Take care - Me