I want off now...

I would like to get off this ride now. Please.

So, how have all four of my readers been lately? I speak to a couple of you somewhat regular, but would like to know about my other two. :) You see, I'm very good at avoiding what all is going on in my life right now. I sat down to type my life out and I wind up asking about yours. I know everyone has something in their life that's going on. I also know that I'd rather deal with your life than mine right now.

Here goes:

Since July 30th:

1. My dad has Stage IV Colon Cancer with mets to the abdominal wall and lungs. He's also got a 3.9cm abdominal aortic aneurysm and he's late stage COPD. Surgery is not an option. He had a port implanted and one round of chemo. The port became infected (MRSA) and was removed. He's now too weak to have another port implanted and he's too weak to attempt the chemo. That chemo schedule is 48 hours long every two weeks - for the rest of his life. The original time frame given for that life without chemo was 3-6 months. That was almost 2 months ago. He's been in the hospital since July 25th when he went in for heart testing, blood transfusion and scope. Tick, tock, tick, tock...

2. I was bitten by a Brown Recluse. On July 30th, they think. I still cannot wear a shoe that touches that spot. I was in the ER three times in under 3 weeks. I spent four weeks on heavy duty antibiotics. I had it cut out once. I was miserable and angry that a small arachnid took me out of commission for so long. As a lovely side gift, I also developed cellulitis. The venom traveled through the lymph system of my right foot, ankle, leg and groin. I was not in a happy place. I am better now though and want to say a huge thank you to my nurse friend who tolerated my paranoia and frustration via emailed photos, rants about having to have my foot above my head and my general grumpiness. Thanks Lo!

3. We've started homeshooling. The kids have had strep off and on, poison oak, general illnesses and the normal back-to-school blahs. It's grand. I regularly look up the phone number for our school system and think back to my morning cup of coffee in a quiet house.

4. My thumb is hurting a bit more, and the growth on my other hand at my middle finger has enlarged a bit. I choose to believe that it's due to my restraining from flipping people off. I know that there's nothing to be done about either joint unless I want another surgery. I think I'll pass on that for now, thank you very much.

5. We thought Speedy would be moving to another city 3 hours away. We checked into apartments, logistics and were fully prepared to split our time between two cities. His current employer chose to beat the other offer, so we're staying here full time. I'm still trying to decide if I'm happy about staying here. I'll get back to you on that one.

6. My first child, a Great Dane-Lab mix, is seriously ill. They thought she had an abdominal cancer. She's got colitis. She is almost 14 years old. Yes, I'm well aware that she is really old for the type of dog she is. Yes, she is deaf and half blind. Yes, I cried like a baby when the vet told me about the cancer. Yes, I cried in relief to find out it was not. She's not out of the woods yet, but at least I didn't have to make the decision to put her down just yet.

7. I seem to have lost my shit storm umbrella. If you would, please, look around for it. I will travel to have it back. Also, I realize it only lasts for about a year or so when I do have it, but I've realized that things quickly embark in a hand-basket when I don't have it.

So, that's all I can think of for right now. I have to get back to my hair-pulling, lip-blubbering corner now. If I've missed something, feel free to leave it in the comments. I'm hoping to one day look back on this post and realize how good that day is. To see where I was, where I've been and where I've come to.

Thanks & Take care - Me.

Edited to add at 11:41am on 9/27/11: We just got word that Daddy also has focal pneumonia. Crap. That is all, carry on.

Wherein I almost get put in Juvi...

In the state of Mississippi one must go to the truancy office to fill out a card stating that you are homeschooling your children in order to legally have them not enrolled in the public school system. The deadline for this is September 15th and the only thing you legally have to put on there is your child's name and address.

So, normally, I have filled my cards out before our public schools ever start back. This year I've had a wee bit going on and only just remembered yesterday evening that I've failed to do this yet. Today, I set out to get this done and made my way to the Juvenile Center where our truancy officer has their office. Yes, Juvi. As in, you must go through the metal detectors, past the armed officer to get your cards to fill out. The children decided last year that they would prefer not to go with me again as last year I fortuitously chose a court day unknowingly. It was not a pretty site or experience.

This year, I did luck out and arrived on a day & time where I was the only one in the waiting area. Until they walked in. They, being a grandmother, mother and young girl. They needed two cards and each of the older ladies proceeded to fill out their cards. At some point, the mother says to anyone listening that she cannot remember her address and she asks her daughter. I thought that it was a "teaching/learning" moment, until the daughter replies, "Mom, you know I'm not smart enough to remember that kind of stuff!" I did not engage in conversation. I am just nonsocial like that. This did not stop the younger lady from talking to me.

She asked if I belonged to the local Christian homeschooling group. I replied that no, I did not and that I'd chosen to join a group called PEAK, which is an all-inclusive group. Yes, I used that term. No, she did not know the definition. Yes, she asked. Yes, I explained that it boiled down to my group accepting all people, no matter what their religious affiliation, or lack thereof. This means that we have Episcopalians, Catholics, Baptists, Methodists and even those that chose not to believe in a higher power at all. Yes, I said all of this with a smile and used my ma'ams when called for.  - Crickets could be heard chirping. - Large, looming eyes staring at me. - Indrawn breath. - Silence.

I continue to fill out my cards and figure that would be the end of that.  Instead, she actually asked how much it was to join this group. Me - free. She asked how she could contact them. I replied that we have an online forum and a Facebook page. - Silence. Large, looming eyes again. - She then informs me that they don't believe in using those computers. (As if, you know, spawn of satan would come through a keyboard.)

At this point, I lose all sense of proper social etiquette and any desire to attempt such. I explain that I really don't feel our group is for her. She really needs to stick to the Christian group where her required statement of faith will give her some semblance of backbone. I know people in that group, some of them I consider friends and some not. I tell her she will fit in just fine there and that PEAK is not for her and her closed mindedness.

I am now done filling out my cards. I get up, walk to the bullet proof window and hand over my cards to the young lady who is laughing her so hard she can hardly speak. I apologized to her for any disruption, which she answers with, "Honey, you have made my day!"

Before I can make it out the door, I hear the mother asking where to put the curriculum that they will be using. The desk lady explains that she can just write in Abeka, Sonlight, etc. at the bottom of the form. The mother explains that they are using the exact same books as our public county schools.  - HUH? WTH? Why would you choose to use the exact same books as public schools at your house? No, I do not ask these out loud. See previous nonsocial statement.

I walked out, got in my Honda and realized that the good Lord I believe in had just clearly answered one of my prayers. I had been thinking of joining the local Christian homeschool group because they have a wider range of children whose ages are close to my kids. I truly feel the Lord told me today that this is not the group for me. In no uncertain terms. I also feel that there were those looking down at this thinking, crap! I was looking forward to the fireworks when she joined that group! ;) I am also fairly certain that my mom got called to the "office" on this one. Knit for Knot Mom, please come to the office. Knit for Knot is at it again!

Take care - Me

PS - I know that there are some things that I will be blogging about on here soon. Right now, I am not really in the mood to start talking about the cancer journey again. For those who don't know, my Dad has been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer with mets to the abdominal wall and lungs. Three years ago, we lost my mother to pancreatic cancer. I am on the same road as then basically, just a different view.

Not too wordy...

Well, I suppose that one cannot accuse me of being too prolific with words on this blog. ;) I have not been wasting anyone's time or eyesight by updating unnecessarily.

It is also very difficult for me to believe that it's been so long since I've posted anything on here. I do believe that we've entered some space-time continuum.

We're all doing quite well. As with anything in life, there's ups, downs and in-betweens. The main thing is we are still hanging in there and doing the very best we can. I'm coming more and more into the mindset that life is what you make of it. Shit happens and if you let yourself solely focus on that, then shit is what you'll get out of it. I'm trying to stay out of the shit - it stinks, is hard to clean up and leaves a lingering smell and yuck factor.

The kids are doing great. Racing has started back and already we've been to Talladega for Rokimus to race. A wicked fast, 1/4 mile, high-banked track where, in both classes, he qualified 5th and finished 2nd. He turned a 10.95 second lap in one of the races, so that'll tell you he was going pretty fast. :) My gray hair count went up significantly this weekend. Moosie will start her racing season this weekend at our local track race night.

Speedy has had some job changes as his hospital got bought out at the beginning of the year. There's always an adjustment period, but he's hanging in there and putting feelers out for jobs in other areas. With his dad being gone, we don't feel comfortable moving too far away yet, so we'll have to see how it all pans out.

Homeschooling is still happening and I'm happy to report that I'm much more laid-back about it this year. The kids are in charge of their own time management, and while it's not the perfect scenario every week, they are doing pretty good with it. For some reason, they don't like the idea of having to complete schoolwork on the weekends at the track in between races. ;)

I've had another bone growth on my other hand come up in the past month or so, and have gotten an appointment with the rheumatology center in May. The hand doc that performed my last surgery seems to think that's the direction we need to head in. Right now, it's not terribly painful or large so it's pretty much a non-issue other than finding out why in the world my bones feel the need to produce like rabbits in places that have no need of extra growth. On the other hand, (no pun intended) I'm really not concerned with osteoporosis.

Well, that's enough babble for now. Hope all four of you that read this are doing well. I know that three of you are, but for my anonymous reader that emails once in a blue moon - I really hope life's going well for you! :) Look me up on facebook if you'd like. I'm much more (sporadically) likely to update there.

Take care - Me

Happy Birthday Mom...

I miss you.

Much has gone on in the last few months. Racing season has started and I've even tried my hand at kart racing. I'm really looking forward to trying it again. I feel if I could just stop giggling while racing, I'd do much better! I also was offered a deal with a kart racing magazine for my photos. Pretty exciting stuff.

Then the bottom dropped out - again. My father in law, Grandaddy Chief, passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. He died exactly how he'd always said he wanted - fast & in his sleep. He was such an amazing man. Patience, acceptance, knowledge and understanding inhabited his very being. He was pretty much the center of my children's world and I didn't mind one bit. He would call when we were schooling at the store and see if he could pick them up. He just happen to "need" to come to town and thought he'd get them if they were done with school work. I think I always said yes. Telling our son and daughter that he'd died was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we've ever done. I felt my son's heart break. I felt my daughter's world crumble and there was nothing I could do about it.

We are getting better, but there are moments when I just want to rage at the higher power. Why? What are we supposed to learn from this? What possible benefit could there be in taking the two most cherished grandparents from my children? I just don't get it.

So, on this, my mother's birthday, I find that I'm between anger, tears and an almost empty, hopeless feeling. There are two less people in the world that accepted me as is, did not try to change me, and loved me unconditionally.

I miss you. I miss your voice in my ear, your hand on my shoulder, your guidance for me and my children and most of all, I miss your love.

Take care - Me

Why pollen is not the cause of my watery eyes...

This is not the happiest time of the year for me. It's getting better, but sometimes I forget why I'm not all excited and happy with Spring and Easter. Then I remember. And really, as a friend and I were talking about the other day, Life moves on - whether we want it to or not.

This was what was happening three years ago. Three years. Thirty-six months. 156.5 weeks. 1,095.7 days. Too many tears to count.

Take care - Me

Not so pissy, hopefully...

I've been told my previous post came across as high & mighty. The easy thing to do would be to delete the post or to just ignore that. I'm doing neither. It really aggravates me when posts are deleted.

What I am going to do is clarify a bit.

By no means do I think that I am better than another. I love reading political ideas posted on my friends blog and look forward to them. Even when I don't agree 100%, I like hearing ideas and reading things that make me think. He definitely does that & I greatly appreciate his zest for bettering our country.

The whole teaching the kids by example, do unto others, thing came from my own home life earlier in the day when the kids were attempting to get on my very. last. nerve. They were constantly berating each other and mocking each other - something I do not tolerate at all. I did not mean to come across as everyone who reads this (thanks all 4 of you for reading) should take up this for their own lives.

The grief thing has been clarified off blog. I will no longer hide that grief if I feel the need to blog about it. So be prepared. I think I'm really surprised with myself for continuing to have strong grief. I know that the average grieving period is four years, but I really thought I'd have a better handle on it. Maybe if I'd taken the time two years ago to really grieve it would be different. I didn't have that option though with having to run a business before, during and after Mother died. I do have anger issues that I'm trying to let go. I'll get there, it's just slower than I thought it would be. I am getting better with grief, I've been able to smile about a memory the kids brought up. I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. That's progress.

I will not apologize for saying that the politicians are evil. I think there needs to be a MAJOR house cleaning in Washington. They have become complacent, greedy and out of touch with what the majority of Americans are going through. I love Marcus' idea of having them make the same that their voters make! I also think they should not have the special medical services they do. They should have to pay for insurance like everyone else. All special treatments/benefits should be removed.

OK, I need to get off here now. Hopefully this will help clarify things and not come across as pissy as yesterday. :)

Take care - Me

Blah, blah blah

So, I'm still alive and how are you? :)

We went to NYC and let me just tell you - I will be going back. What a fabulous city! The architecture, diversity, subways, food, people... AMAZING! My daughter is even trying to talk me into a "girls" only weekend trip - she's 9 and realizes how great it was!

The day we got back I had to start the backdrop for our church children's choir Christmas special. It was only 8' x 24' and had to be done 4 days before originally scheduled! No worries, it got done and the show was great.

Christmas came and went, the kids got iPod Touches from Santa, Moosie had hers stolen from the store within a week of getting it. Papa & I went in together to buy her a replacement. The perpetrator is still out there and the law knows where they are, but no action has been taken yet as they are wanting to get them on other charges too.

New Years came and went, we've had snow and cold weather. Unusual for our area. We also survived indoor kart racing with both kids winning their classes. We start up the regular races later this month.

I think that about hits the "what we've been up to" blah. Now, here's some tidbits that may or may not interest you.

Recently, I stopped to help someone who was having car trouble. Back road, middle of nowhere, on my way to work and kids in the truck. Told kids to stay in there, locked the doors, dude was out of gas, a friend of mine stopped by and offered to get the gas for him. Went on to work, found out later broke down dude was arrested later that day and would be extradited to Florida on child porn charges and alleged child murder.

I really haven't felt like blogging. I don't want this to be a rant and rave reading area and that's what I feel like it was becoming. Yes, I still miss Mother. It's still hard and there are times when the grief takes my breath away. Do you really want to hear about that? I know of one friend that really doesn't. He really doesn't get the depth of grief when losing someone you love that much. So I don't post it.

Speaking of that friend, he likes to rant about the Republican party and it's evils. That's fine, his opinion-his blog. Personally, I think they're all evil. Republican, Democrat, Independent - doesn't matter. They are after their own personal wealth and advancement. Noone is perfect and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better to tear someone down that I know or don't know personally. I'm not into that. I have really been trying to do that whole treat others how you want to be treated. I cannot teach my children that if I'm not living it. So, I'm trying to live it.

Speaking of teaching - we are still homeschooling. I think we're doing pretty good considering we all still have our hair and are still alive. ;) Actually, lately, it's been going very well. I think we've settled into it and are enjoying the learning process together. I like having the kids around and seeing them learn new things and think of new ideas.

Here's some links I've found recently and think are interesting:

Stupid Votes

Daily Howler

The Non Sequitur

The Stopped Clock

NYC Photos:

Take care - Me