Saturday, November 12, 2011
As you know, I'll turn 40 tomorrow. I'll spend it at Daddy's bedside wondering how much longer we'll spend on that little bench praying for mercy.
I wonder what you were doing the day before I was born. I wonder how my sister felt and what you saw through her eyes as I was getting ready to come into this world. What did you think I'd look like? What did you think I'd be when I grew up? What kind of person did you hope to see, hope for and love as I grew up?
I think of you every.single.day. I miss you more than I think of you. I wish you could hold my hand and let me lay my head on your shoulder, even if just for a moment.
I wonder how you handled it when your children hurt your heart as we grew up and made mistakes. I wonder about the advice and encouragement you could tell me. I hurt for what is unsaid when I question the emptiness around me.
I know that my sister and I will make it through what we're going through with Daddy. I worry about who I'll be on the other side though. Watching you die almost broke me. Watching Daddy die slower is harder. I wonder how many angels are holding us, and giving us strength that we didn't know we had.
Finally, thank you Mom. Thank you for raising honest, sincere, thankful girls. Thank you for raising girls that feel they can make it through anything, even when we don't want to. Thank you for your love.
Your baby girl.