Happy Birthday Mom...

I miss you.

Much has gone on in the last few months. Racing season has started and I've even tried my hand at kart racing. I'm really looking forward to trying it again. I feel if I could just stop giggling while racing, I'd do much better! I also was offered a deal with a kart racing magazine for my photos. Pretty exciting stuff.

Then the bottom dropped out - again. My father in law, Grandaddy Chief, passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. He died exactly how he'd always said he wanted - fast & in his sleep. He was such an amazing man. Patience, acceptance, knowledge and understanding inhabited his very being. He was pretty much the center of my children's world and I didn't mind one bit. He would call when we were schooling at the store and see if he could pick them up. He just happen to "need" to come to town and thought he'd get them if they were done with school work. I think I always said yes. Telling our son and daughter that he'd died was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we've ever done. I felt my son's heart break. I felt my daughter's world crumble and there was nothing I could do about it.

We are getting better, but there are moments when I just want to rage at the higher power. Why? What are we supposed to learn from this? What possible benefit could there be in taking the two most cherished grandparents from my children? I just don't get it.

So, on this, my mother's birthday, I find that I'm between anger, tears and an almost empty, hopeless feeling. There are two less people in the world that accepted me as is, did not try to change me, and loved me unconditionally.

I miss you. I miss your voice in my ear, your hand on my shoulder, your guidance for me and my children and most of all, I miss your love.

Take care - Me

Why pollen is not the cause of my watery eyes...

This is not the happiest time of the year for me. It's getting better, but sometimes I forget why I'm not all excited and happy with Spring and Easter. Then I remember. And really, as a friend and I were talking about the other day, Life moves on - whether we want it to or not.

This was what was happening three years ago. Three years. Thirty-six months. 156.5 weeks. 1,095.7 days. Too many tears to count.

Take care - Me

Not so happy...

Happy Birthday Mom.

I miss you, the kids miss you and generally everyone I've talked to lately misses your smile.

Sis and I are going to town to each lunch today. I told the kids I'd get some flowers to plant and a couple of balloons to release. Rokimus started crying last night. He misses you. If I remember correctly, it's the first time he's really cried about you being gone. There's so much that you're not here to see, to touch, to respond to. I know you like the term "stop to smell the flowers" but I'm going to have to take your post-surgery version of "flip the flowers" for today. I am happy that you were born, I am grateful that we had you for as long as we did and knew you until our adulthood and that my kids have memories of you. But really - this sucks.

Take care - Me

Life lately...

I know it's been a while since my last real update on here, but really, when life gets as strange as it's been - it's just hard to actually put it all into words. And it really does seem surreal. And it doesn't seem to be letting off either.

Grab some coffee - iced if you're down south and temps are setting records.

About mid-May, my newest girl dog (named incredibly, creatively Girl) jumped the backyard fence via some left over brick stacks and got hit by our music minister in our driveway. She disappeared for a couple of days but upon arrival I knew something was drastically wrong. Her back leg would not work at all. It simply hung and was incredibly swollen. Several hundred dollars later, no less than 2 surgeries involving pins and screws, 5 weeks in the house, one remote, 2 CDs, 1 book, 2 notebooks, 1/2 bottle of GermX and 2 knitting projects later and she's doing just fine having been returned to the backyard. Where she wants to be. Where my hubby wants her to be. What kind is she you ask? What special breed is this worthy canine? She is a mutt, the best kind in my opinion. She wandered up last winter and we've kept her. I even had her trained. So, she is a very very expensive mutt that prefers to be in the backyard and doesn't want to come out of that yard. And all those trips back and forth to the vet? She shits. Profusely. In the Honda. Consistently. Even if no one feeds her. Even if we walk her for an hour before the trip. Profuse. Stinky. Shit.

Here's Girl on her recovery pillow.

Mother's stone on a beautiful hill in Wisconsin.

About the time Girl got done with the 2nd surgery, I received a call from my aunt telling me that Mother's stone was set. Crooked. Very unleveled. As in, she noticed it before she got out of her car. One cousin stated that Ray Charles could have set it straighter. So, I call the memorial company (18 hours away from here) and arrange for them to meet my aunt/cousins, etc. to have it straightened. She calls after that. Yes, it's beautiful. It's straight. Unfortunately, it's not over Mother. Huh? Mother is not in the plot she should be in. You see, my mother always had a terrible sense of direction and apparently, something carried through even after death. She was buried (last year, the first time) in one of my aunt's plots. Even though my sister and I went back and forth with the cemetery folks for 2 months or more before burying her urn. Now, they've put her in the wrong plot. I mean, what exactly do you call that? Reburial? Replanting? Transplanting? F!&$ up? That's what I call it. Especially when they have the audacity to give us 2 options: 1) We can come up and move her ourselves; 2) We can pay them AGAIN to move her. WTF?! Do they honestly think that I'm going to pay them one more cent, much less let them place a finger on her urn?! Incredible! And when speaking to my sister about this on the phone, they made a comment about what they had done when this had happened previously. So, needless to say, my sister and I flew up to Wisconsin to take care of Mother (we did) and to settle some land deed issues. I can actually say that after 37 years I was finally able to put my mother in her place! (I never would have done that while she was alive!) :)

Mother's stone, with Mother's urn in the midst of the reburial, replanting, putting in place, etc.

Also, I finally returned to the hand specialist for the surgery follow up. (delay much, me?) One spot was an osteochondroma and is now gone from all images. The other spot (on top of the knuckle) was removed, and is growing back. ARGH! This week I returned to try another round of cortisone in that area. My goal is to delay yet another surgery for as long as possible. If you're keeping count, it will be the third surgery.

So, while all that was going on, racing is still happening. We've learned that sometimes races can last onward of 12 hours. And sometimes they race in outdoor, concrete surrounded horse arenas.

The kids finished school in the top of their class. They also got to study counting money for 3.5 weeks and then moved on to measurements - on a ruler. So, after much consideration, prayer and research, I am going to be homeschooling them next year. I'm scared shitless.

That's about it. I'm sure I've forgotten somethings. As you can see, I've had a bit of bizarre going on, so it's hard to remember all of it. Oh yeah, I just remembered something. Today I got a letter informing me that there has been suspicious activity under a credit card. A credit card in Mother's name. Now, I remember calling all of her credit card companies last year and canceling them and shredding the cards. I remember having to repeat over and over less than two weeks after her death that she was dead to every single company. Sometimes more than once to more than one person. So, yes, I would say that it's suspicious activity! Now, I've got to get all of that straightened out. I really do wonder when all of that will be at peace. 'Cause really? I'm so done with strange shit that happens after someone dies. How much are we expected to deal with? Isn't it bad enough we had to watch our mother suffer and live with the knowledge she was going to die soon? Isn't it bad enough that she's gone way too early? When is it enough?

So, that's all that's going on here. Hope all is well with you. I'll try to do better about updating. :)

Take care - Me

What a difference 2 years can make...

Here's a post from a couple of years ago. Hard to believe that I've been posting, even if sporadically, for that long.

http://knitforknot.blogspot.com/2007/04/only-5-mintues.html


Since then, Mother has died. I'm no longer as involved in the church and I don't have to make the blood this year. I think they're using ketchup. Both kids are still riding horses & racing. I now own the tire store with my sister. Mostly though, I feel more disconnected than I did then. Personally. I don't want to be at the church and while I've questioned the organized religion route for quite some time, I now feel it's even less important than I used to. God, or whatever you chose to call him/her, does not solely exist in the walls of a building.

Mainly, I am missing Mother. It was two years ago that I knew she didn't feel good. We had spoken about her putting off her colonoscopy and a doctor's visit due to her mother visiting and some things at the store going on. I remember telling her to quit putting it off. I can't help but wonder if I could've said something different. Offered to drive her to the doctor, offered to work the store, etc. I think hindsight is a curse and a blessing. I realize my sister has her own feelings about this time, but this time of year is truly sad for me. I just want to crawl in a hole, wrap myself in an afghan made by her, and not come out into the world. I want to go back in time a few years back from then and insist she come to my house for Easter. I want to hold her hand one more time, share a cup of coffee, see her make her potato soup, hear her voice in my ear as her arm goes around my shoulders.

What I want and what I get are not mine to choose.

Take care - Me

Surprise cookies...

Now, you may be thinking that the title should have a comma in between the surprise and cookies. Yes, I know that it's been over a month since my last post. Right now, as in right this moment, I'm doing pretty good. During this first Christmas without Mother, that tends to change moment by moment.

Here's the recipe and photos of a cookie Mother used to make for Christmas. I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

Take care - Me

Today

Today I'm ripping out carpet. Today, I'm trying not to think about how much I miss my mother. Today, I'm trying to think of something else other than this will be the first time in 37 years that I've not seen or spoken to the woman that gave me life. I'm trying to not be angry that last year I knew it was the last birthday I would spend with her and I had to share her with someone I don't care for much. Or how she was so tired from entertaining that person and working at the store that she couldn't visit with me later in the day. Today, I'm trying not to think about then or now. And today, I'm trying not to notice the rivers of tears falling on old carpet.

Take care - Me

Hands and jobs...

No, not hand jobs, hands AND jobs...

I went to the specialist today. He comes highly recommended and is actually covered by my insurance - double bonus! In his words, it's just bad luck that they all occurred at the same time. They are not connected. The one on the back of my hand is fairly common, even for my age. The one where the previous surgery occurred is less common, but not a bone spur. It's a calcified mass in my tendon. It's not very harmful at this point and the consensus is that it should be left alone for now. The spot on the back of my thumb is very unusual and is a bone spur, or osteophyte. Since I'm currently on 2400mg of ibuprofen/24 hours and still having some pain, it's felt that cortisone shots would not benefit me much. So, the current plan is for me to stick it out as long as I can and then we'll have to go in again and shave this spot off.

Since I was in a city that actually has a real yarn store, I went by there. It was open today and what beautiful yarns! Mother and I had stopped by there last year before it was open. Mother was able to sweet talk the owner into letting us drool over the stock she had gotten in even though we couldn't purchase anything. The owner remembered me and asked about Mother. I lost it. Knowing that Mother would love that store - the yarns, books, needles and atmosphere, I just missed her deep in my soul. I wanted her to be there to share that with. I wanted her input on the textures and colors of kettle dyed skeins and rolls of silken alpaca. I needed her there physically. The owner was great, she hugged me and walked around with my while handing me tissues. She had lost her mother and father within four months of each other. She knew. The other patrons helped too, patting me, mentioning this stitch or that, letting me know that I was not alone in that place. I bought a significant amount of yarn along with a new book. I was able to walk out without tearing, but once I got to the car, I lost it again. And lost it almost the entire way home. Then, I got it together again.

Amazingly, right after I got it together today I received an call from a screen printing business that is in need of a graphic artist. The pay isn't all that great, but it would be fun to be making some money doing something creative. Also, the owner seems to be a very level-headed, nice person and she comes highly recommended from the artist who has been working for her. I'm supposed to call her back tomorrow.

The kids are doing great - they love TAG and if it weren't for that day, I'd be having a lot of trouble keeping them interested in school. Rokimus had the last points race of the season this past Saturday. He got moved up to a more advanced class for that race as he had won every race this season in the other class. I was somewhat concerned as this puts him racing against kids that are around 3-4 years older. Silly me. He timed the fastest, started the heat race on pole and was able to hold off the very aggressive 2nd place feature driver. Even after that kid spun him out and ended up hurting not only his own kart, but another one as well. So, Rokimus was able to win every race this season and had only one race that he didn't start on the pole due to mechanical issues. In that one, he started the feature last, passed 6 carts and finished first. Proud mama? Yeah, I am. :)

Speedy is also doing good. He's planning on racing this Saturday, so he's been busy getting his car ready. Again, I'm very glad he races instead of hunting. At least the family can be involved in racing. I have no desire to shoot a bambi.

Take care - Me

Random information...

Random, not necessarily earth-shattering. :)

So, the house is still not done. In a previous post I jokingly mentioned a Christmas open house. I shouldn't have joked. I'm concerned we'll not have it done in 4 months. We are living here again, though my beloved Mac is still inaccessible to me. The new part is pretty much complete, just lacking our clothing (still in the old bedroom), vanity mirror, closet rods, bathroom storage, some baseboards/quarter round, etc.

Of course, in recent times, my week time work on the house has been hindered with doctor appointments. You see, that pesky, nerve-damaging bone spur has grown back, in less than four weeks. And it's joined by a couple of new ones. So, that's two on the thumb, one on the back of the same hand closer to the wrist. I had the MRI today & yes I have a copy of the disc. I have to say that I'm much better at reading the scans of a pancreas, liver & duodenum than I am a left hand. So, I wait until next Tuesday when I see the orthopedic dude.

The kids are doing well. They are in the TAG program this year & that's their favorite day of the school week. They are currently lucky to be attending the public school system at all after today's experience in the cafeteria. In true friend of Marcus style, I give you my first letter to the principal this year.

Dear Mr. Principal,

I am writing to let you know what has gone on in the cafeteria today concerning our son, Rokimus. Rokimus informed me today that Ms. Rudeness kept his change of $.50 from buying the ice cream bar due to his owing on his lunch money account. I find this to be ridiculous on a couple of counts. First, that she would tell our children that they are overdue on their lunch money without contacting the parents first. Is the school now holding seven-year olds responsible for paying for their lunches? Second, that she would keep $.50 of change due back to my son from buying ice-cream. My son works hard for his ice cream money and should have received that change back. I cannot believe that this person would talk to my children in front of their classmates about financial issues. We have always paid the lunch accounts as soon as we get a notice that they are due. We do not try to shirk our responsibilities towards our children by not paying for their lunches.

This had actually occurred toward the end of last year and I told Speedy to let it slide. That surely they were just worried about end of year expenses. I see that is not the case, and I am very disappointed and upset that this would happen again. How dare she take this matter up with seven year olds? The responsible and sensible thing to do would to contact the people who actually fund the accounts – the parents.

I have thought about home schooling the children, and this is just one more thing that is leading me to think that may be the direction I need to go in.


Sincerely,
KnitforKnot

So, life's been a bit crazy. And through all of this, I still have the urge to pick up the phone and tell Mother about it. I understand that she's probably here, knocking me upside the head with a mallet trying to tell me advice, but I'm just not getting it. And I miss that. I miss telling her "Mother, just drop it. Put it in a bubble & blow it away."

Take care - Me

Six Months...

And it still hurts.

Take care - Me

Why wait?

Why is it we wait until too late to realize the important things? You know,those things we think but never say. Why is it that it takes death knocking on the door for us to say the important things? I'm talking about the things we think but don't vocalize.

Here's some examples:

My sister - Mother would tell me how smart Sister is. She would go on and on about how gifted Sister is with kids. Especially the more troubled pre-teens. What a gift she would say. She would also tell me about how great a salesperson she is. And how so very proud she was of Sister. They may not see eye to eye on most things, but there was never any doubt in my mind of her love for Sister. Yet, it took Mother's diagnoises of cancer for them to come back together.

Aunt #1 - Aunt1 passed away a few years ago after fighting cancer. I don't know if Mother ever got to tell her how much Mother admired her. The ability she had to raise such a large family of her own and those she fostered. The smoothness with which she could glide over the dance floor. The ability to really listen. Mother admired all of that.

Aunt#2 - Mother really thought this sister of hers was very smart. Her ability with numbers was amazing to Mother. She admired her business sense and her dedication to her family.

Aunt#3 - This sister was closest to Mother in age and probably the one that Mother admired most. She has a heart bigger than the world and Mother also felt she is such a shrewd, smart business person. Mother always felt Aunt3 was beautiful - inside and out.

Aunt#4 - Mother's youngest sister. There's several years between them, but Mother was proud of her. Proud of her faith, proud of her wonderful creativity. Her ambition and zest for life Mother was also proud of.

Her Mother - Mother always went on about how strong her Mother was. How she could decorate a house so cute on very little money. How brave she was.

I don't know if Mother ever conveyed to these people how much she thought of them, or the things she admired about them. Probably, if she did, she waited until this past year to do it. After all, isn't that what we did to her? Wait to tell her the things we thought we great about her? Did she realize that what I thought was great about her is what she saw in her own family? That she had those same traits, yet couldn't see them in herself?

If you're wondering what she thought about me, she told me. She told me a few years ago at the same time I told her. We were going through a rough family time and I really wasn't certain we would be talking to each other much in the future, if at all. I wanted her to know what I saw in her - the good. The beauty, the business smarts, the giving heart, the strength, the bravery, the creativity and the whole goodness of her. Yes, I knew about the bad - we both did. There's no need in this life to bring up the bad. If it's happened, then it's the past. Period. Where you go from there is choice.

So, what did Mom see in me? Everything good I saw in her, multiplied times ten. Everything that I have trouble seeing in myself.

Stop seeing the bad, look for the good. Even if you have to look hard, look. Then tell them them the good. Today. Now. Don't wait for the chance to be taken away from you. They need to hear it and you need to say it.

Take care - Me

A year ago...

http://knitforknot.blogspot.com/2007/05/mothers.html

Bad day gone good...

Early in the day I had a customer come in. He went on and on about how I am not my mother. I do not have her beautiful smile. I do not have her great personality. I don't even look like her, unlike my sister. He really did go on and on about how much NOT like her I am and about how he hoped that I would be able to keep the store going.

Needless to say, this was a less than stellar start to my day. Add in PMS, deadlines and decisions being made, and my day, I thought, was just shot to shit.

Then, when going to pick up the kids, I have teachers I don't know coming up to me and telling me to check Moosie's bookbag. - Honestly, I never know what I'll find.

My day got much better. Much more "leaky" as I call it, but much better.



Take care - Me

Just a few days ago?

It's hard for me to think that this was a year ago.

I am doing better, I think. At least right now, as in right this moment. One thing I've found, that could change. One year ago, Mother was doing well, just a bit tired. Now, I've got financial advisors knocking on the door. At least I still have her voice inside my head reminding me that if I can't say something nice - shut up. I haven't talked to them much. 

I know that ya'll have prayed for us. Thank you. Please don't think that they didn't work for Mother or that they're not working for us. They did & they are. And we need them. Desperately. There's another family we know that is going through the exact same thing we did almost one year ago, down to the type, location and doctors that have/are working on him. He is only 44. If you've got extra prayer in you - they need it. 

I still haven't forgotten about the gumbo pictures. They will be posted. Probably not this week. Maybe next. I'm leaving on a jet plane/Honda Thursday. Right after I cut payroll and make sure that I fax the MS State Tax Commission the appropriate paperwork. 

For those of you who have called or emailed, thank you. I'm almost ready to talk to folks again. Please don't give up on me. I'll get there. Eventually.

Take care - Me

Free

I'm Free

 

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me,

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

 

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way.

I found that place at the close of the day.

 

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

 

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full. I savored much.

Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

 

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me.

God wanted me now. He set me free.

 

~Author unknown

I'm taking some time to gather my thoughts on all that has happened in the past month or so. Please be patient with me as my family and I try to live our lives without this amazing person being here. Thank you again for all the thoughts and prayers being sent our way. They really do help and they are greatly appreciated.

Take care - Me

Blah, blah, blah... No.324

I don't really feel like blogging. I don't really feel like talking at all. I would love to be in a corner chewing my hair and mumbling obscene comments, but life won't let me at this point.

Mother is home. We brought her home with hospice last Thursday. She's glad to be home and that's the only thing that counts in my opinion. Her happiness and comfort. My sister is staying there with her 24/7. My grandmother and one of my aunts is here also. God help us. And help us now, please. Enough said about that.

At last count, which was about 2 weeks ago, Mother's CA19-9 was 912,948. Yes, that's almost one MILLION. The doc says that if he were to check it again, it would be well over one million. MILLION. Yes, she's set a record. Yes, she's very pleased with this. :) I mean really, she might as well get something out of this horrible disease!

Honestly though, I don't really expect her to be with us much longer. She's sleeping more and more & she's really tired. Tired of fighting, of pain and of having this intruder in her body. She's at peace with the afterlife and is ready to face it head on. We are, as always, on God's time now.

On other news, the kids did great in the science fair! Moosie won 1st in division one (1st-3rd) grade in the category of microbiology with the title of Booger Challenge. Rokimus won 2nd in that division, category of engineering with the title Need for Speed. We will be going to MSU in late March for regional.

Here's where my perspective gets a bit whacked. I know that we, most likely, will have had Mother's service and will be burying her ashes after this science fair trip. We will not try to make the trip to Wisconsin to bury them before the science fair, as that would likely cause Mother to come back and haunt me. She is determined that those kids go to MSU and that I accompany them. My sister also will hopefully attend with us. We'll have the local service before the science fair, then bury the ashes sometime after that. 

Everything that is now mentioned as a tentative plan is automatically entered into my brain as being before or after Mother dies. This is not a happy state of mind to be in.

Take care - Me

Probably the last hospital stay...

We've been in the hospital for the past several days. There was a reoccurrence of the pneumonia along with other infected bacteria in Mother.

The list of things wrong is long at this point and I really don't have the energy to go into all of that right now. Mentally and spiritually, Mother is amazing. Physically, she's tired. Tired of pain, of not being the person she used to be. The latest treatment option had no affect whatsoever. I've had a discussion with the kids that Ganny does not have much time left here. We don't know when, but it will probably be sooner than later. 

The doctor has actually used the term "terminal" stage. Mother knows this and is ready for the life hearafter. We may get to take her home with hospice today or in the next few days. We really are on a day by day basis. I do know that she has six more potholders to crochet and I need to buy the yarn for one of them. At 1 potholder per day, we've got at least 6 days. She is determined to get those things done! :)

I know that you've been keeping us in your prayers and thoughts. Thank you, and please continue to do so. We desperately need them. 

Take care - Me

Home again...

My sister took Mother home yesterday evening. While in the hospital, she was given 4 units of blood, numerous units of antibiotics and various other meds. Before leaving the hospital, they had called in another oral antibiotic to fight another bacterial culture that had grown out. That's two oral antibiotics that she's on at home - one for the bronchial pneumonia and one for the bacterial bloodstream infection.

She'll also start Tarceva today. This one will hopefully stop the growth of the cancer, allowing for a bit more quality time. Should she not respond well to this, she will not take it. I so respect her for both trying a new treatment and for standing up and saying that quality is more important that quantity. If this drug causes her to feel worse than she does now, then it's a no go. We'd rather have her for a shorter amount of time feeling relatively well, than to have her suffer for an extended period. This cancer has already caused multiple issues in organs other than the pancreas. We don't need another drug to make her feel worse.

I talked to her just a few minutes ago and she's doing pretty good. She informed me that she thought all hospital beds should have the modal sheets and feather pillows. :) She's also looking forward to the Hardee's biscuit and sausage gravy that my sister is bringing her shortly.

Thanks again for the well wishes. I'll keep you posted when I can. 

Take care - Me

Hospital Stay No. I really can't remember...

We've been in the hospital since 2 am last Friday. 

Bloodstream infection, possible lung issues, ie: possible pneumonia, low blood counts and low platelets. Along with other various lows and highs in the blood tests that go with having this cancer at this stage.

It's not staph, and the current antibiotic seems to be working. They've said a possible release date could be Wednesday, but we're taking it day by day. Today was a pretty good day considering, and that is something to be thankful for.  

I want to thank all of you that are sending healing thoughts our way - they're working and we really need them.

Take care - Me

For the MarLo House & Family...

This is what Mother will have placed on her memorial card. I hope it helps.

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full. I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now. He set me free.

~Author unknown

Take care - Me