Friday, April 10, 2009

What a difference 2 years can make...

Here's a post from a couple of years ago. Hard to believe that I've been posting, even if sporadically, for that long.

Since then, Mother has died. I'm no longer as involved in the church and I don't have to make the blood this year. I think they're using ketchup. Both kids are still riding horses & racing. I now own the tire store with my sister. Mostly though, I feel more disconnected than I did then. Personally. I don't want to be at the church and while I've questioned the organized religion route for quite some time, I now feel it's even less important than I used to. God, or whatever you chose to call him/her, does not solely exist in the walls of a building.

Mainly, I am missing Mother. It was two years ago that I knew she didn't feel good. We had spoken about her putting off her colonoscopy and a doctor's visit due to her mother visiting and some things at the store going on. I remember telling her to quit putting it off. I can't help but wonder if I could've said something different. Offered to drive her to the doctor, offered to work the store, etc. I think hindsight is a curse and a blessing. I realize my sister has her own feelings about this time, but this time of year is truly sad for me. I just want to crawl in a hole, wrap myself in an afghan made by her, and not come out into the world. I want to go back in time a few years back from then and insist she come to my house for Easter. I want to hold her hand one more time, share a cup of coffee, see her make her potato soup, hear her voice in my ear as her arm goes around my shoulders.

What I want and what I get are not mine to choose.

Take care - Me

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

For better or worse, nothing ever stays the same.

But, I'm glad you're still posting the occasional observation or comment.

Sincerely yours,

The other anonymous.