Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Happy Birthday Mom...

I miss you.

Much has gone on in the last few months. Racing season has started and I've even tried my hand at kart racing. I'm really looking forward to trying it again. I feel if I could just stop giggling while racing, I'd do much better! I also was offered a deal with a kart racing magazine for my photos. Pretty exciting stuff.

Then the bottom dropped out - again. My father in law, Grandaddy Chief, passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. He died exactly how he'd always said he wanted - fast & in his sleep. He was such an amazing man. Patience, acceptance, knowledge and understanding inhabited his very being. He was pretty much the center of my children's world and I didn't mind one bit. He would call when we were schooling at the store and see if he could pick them up. He just happen to "need" to come to town and thought he'd get them if they were done with school work. I think I always said yes. Telling our son and daughter that he'd died was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing we've ever done. I felt my son's heart break. I felt my daughter's world crumble and there was nothing I could do about it.

We are getting better, but there are moments when I just want to rage at the higher power. Why? What are we supposed to learn from this? What possible benefit could there be in taking the two most cherished grandparents from my children? I just don't get it.

So, on this, my mother's birthday, I find that I'm between anger, tears and an almost empty, hopeless feeling. There are two less people in the world that accepted me as is, did not try to change me, and loved me unconditionally.

I miss you. I miss your voice in my ear, your hand on my shoulder, your guidance for me and my children and most of all, I miss your love.

Take care - Me

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Why pollen is not the cause of my watery eyes...

This is not the happiest time of the year for me. It's getting better, but sometimes I forget why I'm not all excited and happy with Spring and Easter. Then I remember. And really, as a friend and I were talking about the other day, Life moves on - whether we want it to or not.

This was what was happening three years ago. Three years. Thirty-six months. 156.5 weeks. 1,095.7 days. Too many tears to count.

Take care - Me

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Not so pissy, hopefully...

I've been told my previous post came across as high & mighty. The easy thing to do would be to delete the post or to just ignore that. I'm doing neither. It really aggravates me when posts are deleted.

What I am going to do is clarify a bit.

By no means do I think that I am better than another. I love reading political ideas posted on my friends blog and look forward to them. Even when I don't agree 100%, I like hearing ideas and reading things that make me think. He definitely does that & I greatly appreciate his zest for bettering our country.

The whole teaching the kids by example, do unto others, thing came from my own home life earlier in the day when the kids were attempting to get on my very. last. nerve. They were constantly berating each other and mocking each other - something I do not tolerate at all. I did not mean to come across as everyone who reads this (thanks all 4 of you for reading) should take up this for their own lives.

The grief thing has been clarified off blog. I will no longer hide that grief if I feel the need to blog about it. So be prepared. I think I'm really surprised with myself for continuing to have strong grief. I know that the average grieving period is four years, but I really thought I'd have a better handle on it. Maybe if I'd taken the time two years ago to really grieve it would be different. I didn't have that option though with having to run a business before, during and after Mother died. I do have anger issues that I'm trying to let go. I'll get there, it's just slower than I thought it would be. I am getting better with grief, I've been able to smile about a memory the kids brought up. I waited for the tears, but they didn't come. That's progress.

I will not apologize for saying that the politicians are evil. I think there needs to be a MAJOR house cleaning in Washington. They have become complacent, greedy and out of touch with what the majority of Americans are going through. I love Marcus' idea of having them make the same that their voters make! I also think they should not have the special medical services they do. They should have to pay for insurance like everyone else. All special treatments/benefits should be removed.

OK, I need to get off here now. Hopefully this will help clarify things and not come across as pissy as yesterday. :)

Take care - Me

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Blah, blah blah

So, I'm still alive and how are you? :)

We went to NYC and let me just tell you - I will be going back. What a fabulous city! The architecture, diversity, subways, food, people... AMAZING! My daughter is even trying to talk me into a "girls" only weekend trip - she's 9 and realizes how great it was!

The day we got back I had to start the backdrop for our church children's choir Christmas special. It was only 8' x 24' and had to be done 4 days before originally scheduled! No worries, it got done and the show was great.

Christmas came and went, the kids got iPod Touches from Santa, Moosie had hers stolen from the store within a week of getting it. Papa & I went in together to buy her a replacement. The perpetrator is still out there and the law knows where they are, but no action has been taken yet as they are wanting to get them on other charges too.

New Years came and went, we've had snow and cold weather. Unusual for our area. We also survived indoor kart racing with both kids winning their classes. We start up the regular races later this month.

I think that about hits the "what we've been up to" blah. Now, here's some tidbits that may or may not interest you.

Recently, I stopped to help someone who was having car trouble. Back road, middle of nowhere, on my way to work and kids in the truck. Told kids to stay in there, locked the doors, dude was out of gas, a friend of mine stopped by and offered to get the gas for him. Went on to work, found out later broke down dude was arrested later that day and would be extradited to Florida on child porn charges and alleged child murder.

I really haven't felt like blogging. I don't want this to be a rant and rave reading area and that's what I feel like it was becoming. Yes, I still miss Mother. It's still hard and there are times when the grief takes my breath away. Do you really want to hear about that? I know of one friend that really doesn't. He really doesn't get the depth of grief when losing someone you love that much. So I don't post it.

Speaking of that friend, he likes to rant about the Republican party and it's evils. That's fine, his opinion-his blog. Personally, I think they're all evil. Republican, Democrat, Independent - doesn't matter. They are after their own personal wealth and advancement. Noone is perfect and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better to tear someone down that I know or don't know personally. I'm not into that. I have really been trying to do that whole treat others how you want to be treated. I cannot teach my children that if I'm not living it. So, I'm trying to live it.

Speaking of teaching - we are still homeschooling. I think we're doing pretty good considering we all still have our hair and are still alive. ;) Actually, lately, it's been going very well. I think we've settled into it and are enjoying the learning process together. I like having the kids around and seeing them learn new things and think of new ideas.

Here's some links I've found recently and think are interesting:

NYC Photos:

Take care - Me