Monday, December 17, 2007
Oh yeah, that Christmas spirit...
So, until today, I've been somewhat in the Christmas mood. I've actually decorated, bought some gifts & had the kids wrapping some of those. Those gifts not from Santa. I've been playing the holiday music and even sing along when nobody is within hearing range so as not to ruin their ears.
Today I finished my part of the Christmas shopping. This year I've actually done my shopping, most of Mother's and Daddy's & some of my sister's.
Today kinda crept up on me when I least expected it. Like standing in Sam's looking for the carbon-copy receipt books for the store and getting a call from Mother to say that my uncle, in fact, does not have cancer. The spots on his lungs are just that, spots. Probably from the infection he's currently fighting. That's great. Really. I'm very happy to hear that my aunt, uncle & cousins don't have to go through what we're going through.
On the other hand, a part of me is saying it's not fair. Why couldn't we have been able to make that phone call too? Why does cancer skip some and hit others? I certainly wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, but sometimes life is very unfair. I'm sure that sounds as childish to you as it does to me, but it's a sound statement. I don't like looking at gifts I've bought for my Mother and thinking that I hope she lives long enough to get some enjoyment out of them. I don't like her telling me not to go overboard buying her things. I don't like that she's not strong enough to go out and do her own shopping. She loves to surprise us with her gifts, but this year that just hasn't been possible. I hate seeing her cry over things like telling me to pick out my own pajamas because she doesn't have the strength to walk into the store.
I listen to a lot of the older classic Christmas music. I remember standing in our kitchen as a child with the Kringla baking and dancing with my Mother. I remember her telling me not to watch my feet. I am missing my mother before she's even gone and there's a part of me that feels guilty about that. But there is a large part of my heart that is crying.
Take care - Me