Monday, December 17, 2007

Oh yeah, that Christmas spirit...

So, until today, I've been somewhat in the Christmas mood. I've actually decorated, bought some gifts & had the kids wrapping some of those. Those gifts not from Santa. I've been playing the holiday music and even sing along when nobody is within hearing range so as not to ruin their ears.

Today I finished my part of the Christmas shopping. This year I've actually done my shopping, most of Mother's and Daddy's & some of my sister's. 

Today kinda crept up on me when I least expected it. Like standing in Sam's looking for the carbon-copy receipt books for the store and getting a call from Mother to say that my uncle, in fact, does not have cancer. The spots on his lungs are just that, spots. Probably from the infection he's currently fighting. That's great. Really. I'm very happy to hear that my aunt, uncle & cousins don't have to go through what we're going through.

On the other hand, a part of me is saying it's not fair. Why couldn't we have been able to make that phone call too? Why does cancer skip some and hit others? I certainly wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, but sometimes life is very unfair. I'm sure that sounds as childish to you as it does to me, but it's a sound statement. I don't like looking at gifts I've bought for my Mother and thinking that I hope she lives long enough to get some enjoyment out of them. I don't like her telling me not to go overboard buying her things. I don't like that she's not strong enough to go out and do her own shopping. She loves to surprise us with her gifts, but this year that just hasn't been possible. I hate seeing her cry over things like telling me to pick out my own pajamas because she doesn't have the strength to walk into the store. 

I listen to a lot of the older classic Christmas music. I remember standing in our kitchen as a child with the Kringla baking and dancing with my Mother. I remember her telling me not to watch my feet. I am missing my mother before she's even gone and there's a part of me that feels guilty about that. But there is a large part of my heart that is crying.

Take care - Me


Anonymous said...

God bless you. This is, I suspect, a terrible time for you. I hope that in the future you will look upon these contemporaneous postings with a tear and a smile. Stay strong.

camille said...

Even though that is good news about your uncle, I totally understand the thoughts, fears and jealousy that comes along with that. Its ok to feel how you do right now.

amwurst said...

I know it's hard, but you will be thankful for this time. When my grandmother was dying of lung cancer, it pained me to see her struggle to walk across the room. She had always been an active strong woman, and she could no longer catch her breath. However, cancer was a blessing in disguise. My mother and grandmother had a strained relationship at times. In the last months of her life my grandmother confessed some of the reasons she had been angry, they were more about my grandfather than my mother. My parents were able to make peace with my grandmother, and we all knew she died knowing we loved her. We were given time to tell her.

My own mother could not shop last year, because of her chemo. She loves to Christmas shop so it was tough on her. But it was also nice to have a chance to give back to her. We all pitched in with the shopping & cooking. I think we showed her we had learned some things from her, and that's what moms want.

Terri said...

I know how you feel -- my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4b Pancreatic Cancer in October and she's having a rough time between the chemo, all the meds, and the cancer itself. She lives 5 hours away, so at least I can get up there every few weeks, but it's hard because I have 3 kids and I can't get away as often as I'd like. I pray that both of our mothers are able to enjoy this Christmas, and the next as well. Take care.