After reading another blog, which has since been edited to take a paragraph or so out, I feel the need to set some things straight.
While my mother is going to die from cancer, probably within the next 3 to 6 months, she is not a saint. She has made some choices in her life that I totally don’t agree with. She’s human. I’ve made choices in my life that others don’t agree with. That’s life. In fact, it’s our lives to lead as individuals. The choices we make are ours. That’s what makes our lives ours. Just because someone is going to die or has died does not make their lives automatically perfect and without fault.
Whether our parents/loved ones are alive or dead, the way we live our lives now is our choice. There comes a point in life where we have to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions. We can lament about how life is just not fair and how bad we’ve got it, but truly, if we allow those negatives to take over our lives, then we are to blame. No one else. We cannot let others tell us how to live our lives, how to dress, eat, act, etc. and expect to be satisfied with who we are as individuals. We will never realize our potential unless we stand up for ourselves and the decisions we make, even if it’s standing up to parents or people that are close to us.
Before my mother was diagnosed, I knew that her choices were just that – her choices. The way she lives her life is not my decision to make. However I have the right to stand up for my beliefs and she can either respect my beliefs and how I live my life, raise my family, etc. or we cannot have a relationship. It all boils down to choice.
I choose to not stay home crying about what’s happening or what’s happened in the past. I choose to try to look at the brighter side, even though at times that brighter side is barely a dim night-light. I choose to love my mother, even though she’s not perfect. I choose to not be a doormat to anyone anymore. I’ve been there and it’s a downtrodden, horrible feeling. This is my life. I’ve got this life to live and by gosh, I’m going to live it to the fullest and be the best me I can be without someone else telling me how to do it.
If, at the end of my journey, I have the chance, I hope to look back and see that I've made mostly good choices. Good choices for my life. Choices that made me a better person, one my children can look up to. Choices that will allow the people I love to see my love for them reflected in the life choices I made. I certainly don't want them sitting around calling me a saint and putting me on a pedestal. While grief is a natural emotion, I hope that after my death they will see that life does go on. With or without them. It's up to them to get back on the road to their own lives and not waste any more time. Life goes on and they have choices to make.
Take care - Me