Thursday, May 3, 2007

30 miles, 25 minutes and 1,000 tears...

I am tired of people asking if I’m OK. No, I’m not. At this moment, I’m really NOT OK. I have a mother that’s dying. I have a mother that is suffering. I have a mother with cancer – how can I be OK?!

I am very tired of not having time with my Mother. I am tired of sharing her with other people. Where the hell were they for the past 2 years as she went through her divorce? Where were they when her boyfriend didn’t treat her right & she was scared? Where were they when she just needed someone to listen for a few moments? Yes, she’s made some mistakes. I’d love to meet the person that hasn’t. Would you please step forward?! ‘Cause you know what? Love is love. And love continues no matter what actions took place and besides that – it’s HER life, not yours to dictate. We all have to face the choices we make. We all have to answer for our own lives. And you don’t get to pick and choose the parts of life that you want to take and leave. If you love the person, you have to be there for the whole person, not just the parts you like. You don’t have to agree with the decisions made, but you do need to be there for them.

You know what else? I know she’s going to die. I know that in all probability she will not live to see my children turn 8 years old. I know that she will probably not see my daughter get married or even graduate from school. She will not be there to rub my shoulders and neck when I get migraines. She will not be there for me to pour my heart out to when I need her advice on my kids as they grow up. She will not be able to drive to my house and look at some new artwork, photo, project that I’ve done & tell me what she thinks. And that SUCKS. It really pisses me off.

For the most part, I’m a very upbeat type of person. I tend to look at the bright side of life. But for this moment I am losing my Mother. At this moment I realize she will probably not be able to teach me to French braid my daughter’s hair. I am hurting. The kind of hurt that knocks the breath from your lungs from the grief of not having her hand to hold when I have a bad day or the hug of congratulations when something good happens. The grief of knowing when I call she will not answer. The grief of knowing in the somewhat near future I will forget what her voice sounds like. I hate that. I really hate that and this sucks.

Take care - me


Lo said...

I don't begin to know what to say or what to do. My heart is breaking for you. I cannot imagine having the strength to face what you are facing.

The only phrase that fits is, "Cancer Sucks." I saw it on a button on TV the other day. If I can find them, I think I'm going to buy several dozen.

You know that I've never been very good at prayer unless it is with a Labyrinth. (Note to self - find or make one immediately.) I know it is ridiculously overused, but the prayer that keeps coming to mind is the Serenity Prayer.

We really do all need the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. May you and all the members of your family be granted all three.

Love and hugs to you and yours - Lo.

Marcus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
knitforknot said...

Marcus, I totally agree that Carpe Diem Tiramisu would make life better! :) I had to delete you comment, as I've not figured out how to edit it yet. I'd love to meet in Bucket of Tuna sometime, or if you get the chance to make it all the way to Looney or La La, just let me know. :)