Wednesday, May 30, 2007

System Leak...

There’s a leak in my system. You see, it seems every time I turn around lately, these tears just pop up and out of my eyes running down my cheeks to drop on my lap.

Mother and Sister are in Wisconsin to visit with family. They’re staying on the Mississippi River in a cabin my aunt owns. My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. are getting to spend quite a bit of time with them. They’re getting to go fishing, sit on the dock to dangle their feet in the waters of the mighty Mississippi and sit by the campfire in the evenings to the sound of crickets in the night. They do not have cell phone service, nor can they call out long distance from the cabin phone.

And it is long distance. While I try to be optimistic about her time here on this earth, I know there is not much of that time left. Yes, there may be a year or more, which is a possibility. The only One to know that answer has not sent down His calendar yet, so I should not be worried about that at this point. However, I’m human. I’m a human that cries out about those people getting to be with my mother when she’s still healthy enough to do things. Instead of doing things with me, here, she’s traveled 7 states away to do those things with others. It hurts. Bad.

There were many responsibilities here that have to be tended to. Month-end is in another day, which in the world of small business owner, has to be taken care of on that day. Of course, in my current state of mind, I’d like to say fuck the business; it’s not mine anyway. Screw the bills and deposits and personal responsibilities. Why am I the one to get left behind, the one that you didn’t ask if that would be OK to leave it all with!

Another hard part is knowing that she’s doing what she really wants to do. And doing it with those she really wants to be around. That’s not to say she doesn’t want to be around me, I’m sure she’d love it if I were there. But for me, the one left behind, it’s tough calling and hearing all of them laughing, or getting ready to go do something and knowing that Mother doesn’t have much time to just chat with me.

So, I call, talk a few moments to make sure she’s OK, say bye, then cry as I hang up the phone. And then I go blog. I don’t know how many of you read this, but it does help to get this out. I know too, that I have friends that are helping me get through this, even when I’m not actually speaking to them, I know they’re thinking of me. Thank you.

I have to go support the Kleenex Corporation some more now. I’ll try to post with something not so dismal later.

Take care - Me

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